Even deciding a title is a difficult task for me these days

I can't sleep so I decided to blog.

In the process of making myself to fall asleep, thoughts keep coming in. I keep thinking about the past. It hurts that I miss my old self a lot. But at the same time, I am grateful for the present. There are things that I dislike about the present and one of them is this feeling that I don't really grow here, in terms of maturity. I am still a sensitive person. Nope, that's not what I want to be. I want to be wiser. But how? I'm not sure. I need to be somewhere new so that I can meet new people.

That's it. Enough. I need to get back to sleep. See how rusty my mind is now. I wish that I am someone new next year. So please ya Allah I really hope that I'll get to transfer to another school.

Show me the meaning of being lonely

I have all the time in the world since my students are away for a camp at a hotel, something that I had never experienced as a high school student. I'm not jealous as I think I had an awesome teenage-hood. The music was way too amazing, and my friends were all weirdos which made my life as a teenager unique. I tuned in to Mix Fm everyday just to reminisce the memories of the 90s/early 00s. I can't help but feel nostalgic each time I listen to 'I Try' by Macy Gray, 'Linger' by The Cranberries and even to the ones by pop princess of the 90s  Britney Spears and all of those boy bands, The BSB, NSync, Westlife etc.

Sometimes, I do wonder, why do I have to feel happy each time I listen to these tracks. Is it because of the fact it reminds me of the younger me, the girl who was free to dream whatever that she wants to.? Maybe.. because I often tell my students to appreciate the time in their high school as this is the time when your future is uncertain, you can imagine what kind of person you will be, the characteristics of your future spouse, or which country you will be residing etc. I dream a lot about these and of course some of them became reality, some of them not.

And I have never thought that I only know the meaning of the word 'Loneliness' after getting married. Teenagers, especially, often associates themselves to being alone like it's wrong. Single peeps, mark my words, you should appreciate the bachelorhood that you are now experiencing as it also means freedom to decide. I don't mean to say that married people have no freedom, but really the options are limited and we have many hearts to be taken care of. There are times, when a married people wish they can have some alone time just to fix their inner self as being married is no more about you, you and you. I do have to sacrifice some of my dreams after being someone's wife but that's okay because there are also other dreams that I can achieve.

I'm serious about the fact that you don't have to be sad for being single. Use the time you have to explore the world, treat your parents or read many books while praying that one day you'll find your jodoh.

Of FB and IG

I deactivated my Facebook account 2 years ago. Today, I logged in to FB just to find out that one of my friends whom I know suffered a few problems in her previous relationships is finally married. And the solemnization was today.

But I'm not going to talk about my friend.
After almost 2 years of absence from FB, it was a strange feeling to be on FB again. It felt as if I was in another country. Reading other people's status, it's quite addictive but time consuming. FB is still the same place just like how I left it years ago. The same FB friends keep posting the same kind of status in which I am tempted to conclude that FB is not really a place for me. I might not change that much but I just can't feed my mind reading about other people's lives. Yep, I'm active in Instagram but it's different because I can choose whom I want to follow and IG to me is a platform for photography. I do share some of my personal stuffs but not that much compared to if I'm on FB.

I'm so sorry Facebook. You're fun but I need my time wasted of browsing you years ago to be spent for gardening and reading.
And I'm happier without you. I don't know how to explain but this is sadly, a fact.

AS TIME FLIES

If there is one thing that I would like to change, it certainly will be my procrastination habit. I think I've been missing out so many great opportunities because of my tendency to put things off. Nowadays, if there is something that I really want to do, i will just do it. E.g. Travelling abroad. Few weeks ago, all out of a sudden, I suggested to my colleagues that we should travel abroad together. It was crazy as all of them agreed and even crazier that we booked the tickets instantly and the best part is that our spouses agreed to join too. One of the best things in life that we should be grateful for is to have friends who will support your ideas and agree to be part of the plan that you've been dreaming off.

I think what I'm writing here might makes no sense but I will post it anyway as I need my neurons to connect and I feel like my writing is deteriorating. Next year, I'll be 30 and I really hope that I can be a fun,enjoying-life,grateful 30-something woman. I'm still trying to fix my relationship with the Creator but I know my efforts are not enough.

I can't believe that the only person who can motivate me is myself. MYSELF. I always thought that I need people to help to change but nope, it's myself.

Why I Love Instagram

I have been using Instagram for almost 3 years and it is my favourite social networking site to an extent that it makes me feel like I don't need Facebook (and I did quitted Facebook last year). I don't really use Instagram to share about my personal everyday life, but it is more of like a platform to showcase how I view life in general, things that I love and to improve to way I take photos. Why I love Instagram?

 1. Friends from all over the world - I never thought that I would be friends with people who are models, writer etc. Even though we only communicate through  pictures but it's heart-warming when they do care about you, for example,my absence from Instagram for a few days. Last year, I posted lots of pictures of my Japanese trip and because of the pictures, I got myself Japanese followers and they even appreciate the way I took pics of their country.

2. It's peaceful. - This really depends on who do you follow. I choose to follow people who share photos of their beautiful country and beautiful family. Most of them are mothers. Among my favorite are @confettis from Sweden, @mimithor from France, @seasthemoment from US. I really adore the way they took photograph and how mesmerizing to be able to live in such countries as it seems as if they live in Paradise. These instagrammers have also inspired me to be a mother like they do. Some mothers that I know, tend to only focus on their kids after having them and neglecting the fact that they do need time to enjoy and pamper themselves. These mother on Instagram really take some time to do what they like. Apart from that, in Instagram, there is no debate on politics but people who keep complimenting each others' photos without any hatred or prejudice despite the different skin colours and different faith. That's what I love the most. No one is judgemental. But like I said earlier it depends on whom do you follow. It's a different story if you follow politicians.

3. It's a place to show your so-called artistic skills in photography. - I'm not saying that I'm good at taking photos but I have to admit that I've learned a great deal from Instagram on how to capture photos and edit them. Some of these famous Instagrammers are never reluctant to share knowledge on taking pics like theirs. I've also learned from Instagram editing apps that I should use and my personal favourite at the moment is VSCOCam. It's a great app that can help to make your photos more elegant.

So these are the reasons why I love Instagram and I'm not sure until how long it will remain my number one social networking site. This site proves that we're all connected despite the differences.

The Castle in The Pyreness by Jostein Gaarder

If you've read Sophie's World (a novel which also serves as a basic guide to philosophy), you might feel compelled to read this novel. It's a love story of two old lovers who parted from each other because of their different interpretations of an incident that is also the cause of their separation. The female character, Solrun is a very spiritual and religious person and the male character,Steinn is more of a rationalist and atheist. They correspond with each other through emails. The whole novel to me is more of like a lecture on SPIRITUALITY vs LOGIC. Readers who are into great plot in a novel might find this boring and I did skip a few paragraphs as it feels like reading a text book.But this novel has served its purpose for readers who read to learn more about philosophy. My favourite part of the novel is the ending. It's just truly unexpected. I must say that it's strong and captivating and it it capable of leaving such a deep impact to the readers, at least to me. It has taught me great life's lessons such as, TO BE GRATEFUL and TO LIVE FOR THE MOMENT. And of course, reading it as a muslim, I don't agree with some of the views of both character especially Steinn. Worth reading if you're into philosophy but I would recommend you to read Sophie's World first. It's the kind of book that can help you to understand Nietszche,Aristotle, Descartes etc. in brief.

Photography

I heart VSCOCam. http://farahazmi85.vsco.co

A Confession

I have a confession to make. The thing is, these days, I feel shy to write. I do regret the fact that I read less and I am no more that updated with currrent issues. Really, this shouldn't be an issue. I used to write every day. It's my passion. Even though i don't write well but writing used to be a necessity. Now, it is something that is really burdening and difficult. I used to write just to make myself satisfied and not for the reason that others will read whatever it is that I've written. And you know what? No more writing, it has definitely changed me. I think I am no more the same person I was years ago. I really need to start writing again. And I am motivated for that. Insha Allah. Why? Because I'm sick of social network and things posted there and I hope for the days when people are so into blogging and blog-hopping will return.